Self-Worth

(Sally, unless you enjoy the gratuitous use of the f-word, I don’t recommend reading this one)

As I wrote a few weeks ago, I have been going through one of the toughest periods of my life, and through all that has been happening I have continued to stay strong and not drink, even though that has proven to be the biggest challenge. The challenge has been so difficult at times, but my desire to not let people down who have supported my sobriety has been so strong the honest to god thought that killing myself would be less of a let down than going out and drinking crossed my mind. It was at this point I began to sit back and take a look at my life.  I began talking to many people about my mental state and slowly I began to take pieces from what each of them were saying in order to reevaluate my life, and begin the healing process I was facing.

During this adventure I found myself talking to a friend (who obviously based on this advice is female) who told me I need to knock myself off the pedestal I held myself on. I needed to humble myself, and possibly not scoff when people do the stupid things I like to judge. For a brief moment I considered this. Maybe I did need to take that long hard look in the mirror and realize there were things about myself that weren’t as great as I once thought. Maybe after all the posturing and constant self-reassurance I had created this façade of greatness to hide all of my deepest fears about who I really am…a sad, scared, self-conscious boy trapped in the body of a grown man.

It was not a good period, and what I had to do was break myself down to the bare bones. It seemed like every where I looked I was losing total control of every aspect of my life, and as someone who likes to be in control of their life, this was an eye opening experience. The persona I had spent so long building was coming crashing down around me and all I could think was this was the end of what I had created. There were moments where it seemed like I was going to live out the final moments I had written about in so many stories about fictional characters that totally weren’t based on me, and I was ready for that moment, because…fuck it. 

And yet, in the moments of darkness when the worst option seems like the only option, one person (albeit, that person is constantly changing) always seems to know what to say to me to bring me out of my funk. He knew how to lift me from the depths of my dark time, and made me remember the same advice Dylan reminded of not too long ago, because when going through the darkness it is easy to lose sight of who and what you are.

I am Matt Fucking Wright, and you know, everyone needs to realize they are too (obviously, no one else is Matt Fucking Wright, but there are KC Fucking Reeses, Atom Fucking Freemans, and Jordan Fucking Schwartzes in the world). KC was right when he told me this.

Life sucks, people. It does. Everyday you are going to have people working at taking you down from the pedestal you put yourself on. These are the people who aren’t worth your time. I have a friend (former friend now, she read this story and decided that being friends with someone who believes this isn’t someone she wants to associate with) who recently has been going on and on about self-worth and how she doesn’t want to give herself or her time to anyone who doesn’t realize her worth. It’s truly great advice. Of course, during a conversation that got a little heated she admitted she didn’t know her own self-worth and struggled with that her entire life, and I had to concur with her assessment of that statement. If you don’t know your own self-worth get ready to get fucked by the world, because everyone, including me, KC, Atom, and anyone else in the world will take advantage of it because you will let us.

Who want’s a fucking set of steak knives?

Did one of your friends screw you over? Fuck them, they aren’t worth your time, and they weren’t your friend anyway. A girl or a guy reject you, or lie to you about how they felt about you and fucked around behind your back? Fuck them, they aren’t worth the energy you are expelling on them. They don’t deserve you. Life got you down, and you are struggling with a bleak outlook on life? Fuck it. You’re gonna be fine, because you have value to someone and even that someone is only you, but even then you’ve got someone who believes in you. You don’t need anyone else to believe in you as long as you believe in yourself.

Get out there and get mad at the world that is currently fisting you without permission. Get fucking angry and fight back. Do something with your life, and stop wallowing in your own self-imposed prison of anger and sadness. Leave your fucking room and make something of yourself. Get off the fucking internet looking at the bullshit people are putting up online to make it look like they have a great life. They are fucking doing it to make themselves feel better about all of the insecurities you have that you are allowing to destroy yourself.

Fuck that, fuck them, fuck it all. Get fucking mad and go win at something. Life is a competition and if you are sitting at home binge watching Netflix, or playing 14-year olds in Skyrim all by yourself day in and day out you are fucking losing. You can pretend you’re being productive, but unless you are getting paid to do these things you are contributing nothing to this world and you are losing at life. If you want to do something with your life, start by doing something with today, and sitting in your room doing nothing is not going to get you anywhere, unless you want to be nobody.

“But, Matt,” you may say (or at least in my head). “You’re smart, funny, good looking, talented and charming. I’m not.”

You’re right, I am. But I’m not smarter than any average person, I just know where my strengths lie. I’m not that funny, most of the funniest things I say in conversation are quotes from TV shows and movies you haven’t seen. Yeah I’m good looking, but I get zero matches on dating apps, so I’m not an adonis or anything. Talented? Sure, but that is from decades of literally pouring sweat over a keyboard wanting to be talented. Charming? I’ll concede to that one, that’s natural (thanks mom and dad).

You can ask any one of my exes, I do not think about the words that are coming out of my mouth. It causes me more problems than it fixes, but that is who I am and I don’t give a shit about what happens when I say these things. If you give a fuck, you’ve already lost. Don’t give a shit about what someone may think about you, or what you say. If they don’t like it they can hate you, it truly makes no difference in your world.

Oh, and slightly off subject, for anyone who tells you that you shouldn’t hate someone, fuck them. Hate is an emotion that is supposed to be let out of your body. Don’t abuse it, but that’s how it is with every single emotion. Think about the people who go around and say they love everyone, most of those people seem to want me to punch them in the face with how annoying they are. I personally prefer the people who go around and hate everyone, because with them I know they are at least going to die young from stress and I don’t have to deal with them as long.

The world is as cold of a place as you want it to be. If you don’t want it to be cold, then throw a fucking log on the fire and let that shit burn like Southern California in a drought. Life will never be easy, if it was we would all be billionaires, banging models, living near the beach or wherever you want to live. Life is hard, but you have the ability to make it fun. Anyone who tries to take your fun away from you isn’t worth your time. Get them the fuck out of your life.

Everyone can make something of themselves. Stop blaming others, society, the government for your inability to succeed. Take responsibility, get off your ass, and do something about it. If you want to increase your self-worth, get out of bed and make something. Make a table. Make up a story. Make someone happy. Get up and make something out of yourself and make your world a better place, because no one else gives enough of a shit about you to hand you a world worth living in.

Whatever you do, be the fucking best at it. If you’re not the best at it, make yourself the fucking best at it. Humility is for the weak, know your worth and make yourself the fucking best or find something else, because you never will succeed if you don’t believe it yourself.

So stop fucking reading this and get out there and make something of yourself, and get fucking better, before someone else comes in and takes what is yours.

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