Break Ups, Ben Folds, and Realizing Life Is Worth Living

Currently I am sitting at my job, wishing I was at a coffee shop, stewing in the unending mess that is my head after a break up. My mind is racing at about a 1000 words a minute, but I am going to attempt to put some of these thoughts down here in a cognitive way that will explain where I am mentally, while also telling you all another heart wrenching story about my life that changed the way I view relationships, friendships, and how to approach dealing with a break up. Here is the often heard of, but never truly discussed break up with Becky Gorman and how Ben Folds has a special place in my heart. Continue reading Break Ups, Ben Folds, and Realizing Life Is Worth Living

Falling Asleep to Dream

Looking around the coffee shop I took a moment to regain my bearings. This wasn’t anything too new for me, I had been dealing with the same problem my entire life. Ever since I had been a kid I had the unfortunate issue of falling asleep uncontrollably, many times with no warning. No matter what I was doing, no matter where I was, there was always the underlying risk of falling asleep suddenly. Continue reading Falling Asleep to Dream

The Invite

In the middle of the day, 2:53 to be exact, on a Wednesday, at the beginning of spring before the frost had fully lifted from the trees, and shrubbery, and grass, and flowers I found myself walking, shirtless, to a person’s house I had never met. It was still a little chilly. Too chilly to be walking around outside without a shirt on, but I had to make due with what I had available at the time. Unfortunately for me all I had available were shoes, socks, pants, a belt, and underwear. I was unsure as to where my shirt had gone, but that didn’t really matter. I was fairly certain the person I was going to visit would not be too offended by my lack of attire. After all, I was on my way to ask him if I could borrow a cup of flour. The reason why I had to walk the .8 miles to this particular house, on this particular day, at this particular time, was unbeknownst to me. I had been delivered the information weeks ago, in the mail, when a mail carrier, who was NOT my normal mail carrier, dropped off the daily mail. In that particular delivery, instead of just the normal flyers for coupons and sales at stores I would never find myself shopping at, there was an envelope. It was a manilla colored envelope of unusual size. Instead of being the size of a standard letter, or even a legal letter for that matter, it looked more like the size of a poorly planned Save-the-Date card for a wedding I wouldn’t have wanted to attend anyway. Continue reading The Invite

The Fan Blades

The fan was spinning on the medium setting. Not quite fast enough for the optical illusion of the blades spinning backwards to occur, but still fast enough enough to make it impossible to count how many blades were attached to the fulcrum. I laid there. On the floor. Staring up at the fan. Wondering exactly what I should do next. I was lost. Scared. Alone for the first time in my life. All I wanted was to run away. Leave everything behind me. Forget my past. Forget my life. Forget who I was. Start over in a new place. With a new name. With a new story. One I could be proud of. Not the person I had become. Not this imposter living a life nobody would want to emmulate. Not…who I had become. Not…me. Not…John. Continue reading The Fan Blades

My Struggle With Addiction, Part II

60 days ago I had my last beer.

Wanna See a Magic Trick?
Wanna See a Magic Trick?

I used to be able to drink a beer faster than almost anyone else I knew. Actually, I may still be able to. I could pick up your pint of beer, and before you turned around the pint would be gone, leaving you wanting. Nobody ever got too mad at me for stealing their beer–normally they were impressed by how quickly I had made it disappear and would then inquire about how I had learned the skills to achieve such a feat. The truth is, I had learned how to do that because I didn’t want to be rejected by anyone, and (thanks to the groups I found myself hanging out in) I thought if I could drink faster than they could, they would accept me. This desire left me with a gift of being able to impress people at parties with what one of my friends lovingly referred to as “Matt’s Magic Trick.” Continue reading My Struggle With Addiction, Part II

Why I Don’t Own Pets (or have children)

(Sally: This one has some things you may take issue with. I wouldn’t recommend it. Not today anyway.)

Not too long ago a buddy of mine was visiting me in sunny south Florida. Right before he left to make the atrocious 11-hour drive back to Nashville he decided to impart some unsolicited words of wisdom on me. He informed me that the one thing that would “complete” me “as a man” would be a little puppy. To this ridiculous statement (as if I need anything to complete me as a man, I’m pretty darn perfect) I laughed, and told him that would never happen. He attempted to convince of me of his idea for what seemed like way too long to be discussing whether or not I should own a puppy, and when his attempts ended fruitless he started his venture back to Nashville (leaving the better portion of his clothes in my dryer. I hope he doesn’t need those anytime soon).  Continue reading Why I Don’t Own Pets (or have children)

Putting the Fun Back in Funeral

(Sally: I think this is mainly ok for you to read. There may be a little harsh language throughout, but I hope you get a chance to enjoy. And for all the people who know Sally and read my blog, let her know)

There are a few areas in life where I am not fully adept at coping in the proper ways. I am lucky enough to know this about myself and am glad I can recognize this as my flaw. I have never been the best with handling breakups, either as the dumper, or the dumpee, which is why I don’t date anymore. I would rather just hang out with someone until we mutually get tired of each other and then amicably split ways. I have found it is much less messy that way. When real labels and emotions are placed on relationships is when people’s feelings get hurt. This drags on way too long and eventually I am either breaking up with you in a fashion where you will call me a narcissistic sociopath (Shannon), or you are breaking up with me and I have to struggle through months of alcoholism in order to come out on the other side realizing you are a terrible individual who has the ability to be the Typhoid Mary of every STD known to man and the only benefit to our relationship was that I didn’t end up with some disease that would have cost me my (and some friends of mine, their) favorite body parts. Normally, though, one can tell when a relationship is about to end and can typically brace themselves for the shock of losing someone they considered someone who would be a positive influence in their lives. What I don’t deal with is when you don’t see a relationship of any stature ending. This can apply to significant others, parents, family members of any variety, friends, Romans, countrymen and so many other types of relationships. What I don’t cope with properly is when people pass away.  Continue reading Putting the Fun Back in Funeral