Break Ups, Ben Folds, and Realizing Life Is Worth Living

Currently I am sitting at my job, wishing I was at a coffee shop, stewing in the unending mess that is my head after a break up. My mind is racing at about a 1000 words a minute, but I am going to attempt to put some of these thoughts down here in a cognitive way that will explain where I am mentally, while also telling you all another heart wrenching story about my life that changed the way I view relationships, friendships, and how to approach dealing with a break up. Here is the often heard of, but never truly discussed break up with Becky Gorman and how Ben Folds has a special place in my heart. Continue reading Break Ups, Ben Folds, and Realizing Life Is Worth Living

Falling Asleep to Dream

Looking around the coffee shop I took a moment to regainĀ my bearings. This wasn’t anything too new for me, I had been dealing with the same problem my entire life. Ever since I had been a kid I had the unfortunate issue of falling asleep uncontrollably, many times with no warning. No matter what I was doing, no matter where I was, there was always the underlying risk of falling asleep suddenly. Continue reading Falling Asleep to Dream

The Invite

In the middle of the day, 2:53 to be exact, on a Wednesday, at the beginning of spring before the frost had fully lifted from the trees, and shrubbery, and grass, and flowers I found myself walking, shirtless, to a person’s house I had never met. It was still a little chilly. Too chilly to be walking around outside without a shirt on, but I had to make due with what I had available at the time. Unfortunately for me all I had available were shoes, socks, pants, a belt, and underwear. I was unsure as to where my shirt had gone, but that didn’t really matter. I was fairly certain the person I was going to visit would not be too offended by my lack of attire. After all, I was on my way to ask him if I could borrow a cup of flour. The reason why I had to walk the .8 miles to this particular house, on this particular day, at this particular time, was unbeknownst to me. I had been delivered the information weeks ago, in the mail, when a mail carrier, who was NOT my normal mail carrier, dropped off the daily mail. In that particular delivery, instead of just the normal flyers for coupons and sales at stores I would never find myself shopping at, there was an envelope. It was a manilla colored envelope of unusual size. Instead of being the size of a standard letter, or even a legal letter for that matter, it looked more like the size of a poorly planned Save-the-Date card for a wedding I wouldn’t have wanted to attend anyway. Continue reading The Invite

The Fan Blades

The fan was spinning on the medium setting. Not quite fast enough for the optical illusion of the blades spinning backwards to occur, but still fast enough enough to make it impossible to count how many blades were attached to the fulcrum. I laid there. On the floor. Staring up at the fan. Wondering exactly what I should do next. I was lost. Scared. Alone for the first time in my life. All I wanted was to run away. Leave everything behind me. Forget my past. Forget my life. Forget who I was. Start over in a new place. With a new name. With a new story. One I could be proud of. Not the person I had become. Not this imposter living a life nobody would want to emmulate. Not…who I had become. Not…me. Not…John. Continue reading The Fan Blades